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The Awkward High Five Save

A bro must always have his bros’ back, this is an obvious rule in the world of bros and has been mentioned on many occasions in this book already. This is another instance where the back of the bro must be had. Let me explain by using an example.

A group of bros are at a college football game, soaking in the excitement and cheering like a group of wild baboons, when their team scores. The joy of the bros cannot be contained, thus they jump up and down and swat at the hands of one another in high five form. When a touchdown happens it is usually a tradition that each bro gives a high five to each bro that is in his group. Unless of course one of the bros’ is a fan of the other team in which case you ridicule him mercilessly about how his teams defense has more holes in it than his mesh tank top. This is completely okay because your bro shouldn't be rooting for that awful team anyway. Therefore you keep a high five from him, but give one to everyone else.

Now, lets say that one bro is going for an extra high five from one of the other bros, but the bro he is looking for the high five from isn't paying attention and the bro will be left hanging. But you’re not going to let that happen because you care for your bro and don’t want to see him humiliated by not getting a high five. Therefore you spring into action and smack the open hand of your bro like it is the bottom of a new born baby. This does two things, protects the bro from the awkward moment of having his hand hang in mid air with no one to be the peanut butter to his jelly while also boosting the moral of the bros because he knows that his bro has his back.

While this does work in this situation, there are places where the covering of your bros’ awkward moment should not be done. For instance, you are leaving said game and you run into a group of females that you all know. You go in for the hugs. While the hugging is being commenced, you notice one bro with his arms wide open, but no girl on the receiving end of the hug. While you may have covered for his high five mishap, you do not, I repeat, do not go in for the hug with him. Sure, it’s okay to hug your bros from time to time when you want to show a little man love, but it is not okay to give them one when they are directing it toward a woman who is not interested. This is a moment where you must let your bro walk on his own two, wobbly legs and let him learn from it. He’ll bounce back and be just fine.

Ants On Fire

Ever since the beginning of time, bros have been deciding the fate of tiny animals everywhere.

Rabbits, squirrels and chipmunks have all fallen victim to the power of the bro. However, one animal has been tortured more than any other by the bro community. Ants were probably living a very happy and casual existence before the male gender came along. Beginning in childhood, bros cut down the population of ants almost ten to fifteen percent everyday. In this smaller world, humans look like Godzilla, while the ants are sort of like the tiny Japanese people that used to run from him.

Even in the Dark Ages kids were stomping and smashing anthills, but when Roger Bacon came along in the 13^th century and invented the magnifying glass, all hell broke loose. After that first person realized that he could capture the heat of the sun with this contraption, ants were screwed. It may have started with the occasional leaf or pile of grass being lit on fire, but it soon turned into a full out insect genocide. Ants were the number one targets of any bro who held a magnifying glass. The slow, tiny ants were no match for the heat of the magnified sun. If done correctly, an ant can be heated to the point where it pops like a piece of popcorn. It does not taste like popcorn though, as many bros have probably learned.

As a child I learned of the great power I could have with a magnifying glass in hand and I took full advantage of it. I cooked many ants and other small bugs to a golden brown crisp with the magnifying glass my grandmother had gotten me for Christmas. I don’t believe that she planned on it turning me into a mass murderer of insects, though. Hills, nests, holes in the ground, wherever an insect was I could find him and fry him with the power of the sun. Never had I let power like this go to my head. Even when I used to know that I could beat my five year old brother in a game of Mario Kart, I didn’t try to become more powerful at the game.

Soon after realizing the cooking power of the sun’s rays I became more and more destructive. I lit branches and newspapers on fire, while also melting holes in plastic toys that I used to play with. One toy that I ruined and to this day feel bad about was Woody. Yes, it was Woody from Toy Story. I had seen the movie and watched that terrible neighbor boy, Sid, cook a hole in Woody and I decided to do the same. My Woody toy was from McDonalds so it was okay with my mom because she didn’t pay a dime for it. I took him out into my driveway and cooked him like a rotisserie chicken. Now, looking back on it, I feel bad about my torturous ways with the ants and Disney characters. Therefore I’d like to use this story as a platform to publicly say that I’m sorry to anything I toasted.

New Brotivities to Come!

Sorry baby birds,

I hope that none of you have been waiting too long for another post to be fed to you. But I want you to worry not because new stuff is coming, soon. As I'm writing this I'm really hoping that I don't screw this up and totally forget but I don't think that I will. Soon enough I will hopefully be adding small dashes of laughter into your already humorous lives.

- Ryan Scheidemantel

Michigan Representatives to House, ‘Let’s Speed Up Global Warming, Because It’s Too Cold Here.

Bundled up in a winter jacket, warm mittens, and two layers of long underwear, the fifteen representatives from Michigan addressed the House of Representatives. “Michigan is absolutely freezing and in need off some serious global warming to fix it,” the Michigan representative John D. Dingell said to the members of the House.

This argument has been caused by years of unforgiving winters and random ice storms that have occurred in months like March and April. According to a statement released by the CCAA, The Calendar Control Association of America, March and April are supposed to be spring months and not continuations of winter. “How are April showers supposed to bring May flowers only consist of sleet and freezing rain? Plants don’t grow in those conditions!” an easily angered Dale Killdee, representative from the fifth district of Michigan, yelled while giving his argument to the House.

One thing that the reps brought with them was a portfolio of things to argue about. “We call it the game plan,” said Kildee. This portfolio included a survey taken of Michigan citizens by the Governor of Michigan, asking which of the seasons is their favorite. The reps used the information to create a pie chart that they brought with them to the House for their main point. When the chart was shown to the House, it was laughed at and ridiculed because it was just a big smiling sun with glasses.

“Well, 87% of all the citizens said that they like summer the best, but I wanted it to be 100% so I just rounded up,” said Joe Knollenberg. “I’m cold as all get out up here in the mitten state and frankly, I’m tired of it.” The one question on everyone’s mind is: ‘How can the only state shaped like something warm be so cold?’

Being Bored

You may be asking; How is it possible for a brotivity to come about when you’re not doing anything? Well, bros are very good at doing nothing, and it’s something they often enjoy to do. Sitting around, having nothing constructive to do is one of a bros’ favorite things in the world. Honestly, what could possibly be less stressful then being bored? You have no responsibilities or things to do (well, you may, but you’re ignoring it and choosing to just say that you’re bored instead.)

Sure there are plenty of things you probably could, or should, be doing. You could mow the lawn, walk the dog, even show your buddies who is boss when it comes to video games, but instead you just do nothing. You sit and stare and complain that you have nothing to do. However, even amidst your childish complaining, you are completely content, you are as carefree as a goldfish in a bowl, you live for the days where you can just sit and talk about how you wish there was something to do; even though you don’t.

Backing Your Bros

A great man once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Another great man, myself, has twisted that statement, “Ask not what your bros can do for you, ask what you can do for your bros.” Not only is being a bro a good time, it is also a responsibility and duty to defend the backs of your fellow bros. Shakespeare once said, “Bro, thou shall hast mine back and I shalt hast the back of thou. The back shalt be what is had and the hading shalt be done by a bro.” Such wisdom and power were never uttered as gloriously as that.

You may be asking yourself, ‘Do I always have to have my bro’s back?’ The answer is yes and it’s silly that after the reading first paragraph of this writing, you would be compelled to ask such a ridiculous question. If you really just asked that please discontinue reading this and go back to your younger years of schooling and practice some reading comprehension. Unless of course you decided to skip the first paragraph entirely, which makes no sense, but I ask you to revert your eyes to the top of the page and read thoroughly before proceeding.

As was stated earlier, a bro always has his bro’s back, no matter what. If your bro is being attacked by a bear, you rush to his aid and fend off the tyrannical beast. Or at least give a hardy effort to do so. If he is trying to befriend an attractive female you help him by talking about how cool he is, but don’t over do it because it could start sounding a bit gay. In the case that your bro is dating a girl who has now become quite obnoxious about two months into their courtship you must help him out of there when you realize that she’s totally cuckoo and your bro is in danger.

You must always have your bro’s back because no matter how independent and tough they may seem, a bro can always use a helping hand from his fellow man.

The only exception to this commandment is if the bro has gotten himself into a situation that is seen as humorous to his friends. In such an instance a bro may point and laugh for a given amount of time before rushing to the aid of his bro. The amount of time that a bro is allowed to laugh is based on the severity of the occurrence;

Issue	Time Allotted for Laughter
Animal Attack	3 seconds
Dangling from Something High Up	5 – 7 seconds (depending on height)
Obviously Broken Limb	10 seconds before calling someone
Falling into Something Dirty (like mud)	1 minute (at least)
Smacking His Head on Something	5 minutes*
Embarrassing Act in Public Area	A few days
Awkward Relationship	2-3 weeks

* - You may also remind your bro of the time that he smacked his head on a certain object each time you pass said object.

Real News That I Made Up

This is from a project that I did when I was in an independent writing class in school. It's a satyrical news thing of sorts. Kind of like The Onion if you've heard of that.

Lions Attempt to Resign Barry Sanders

Detroit, MI - It would seem that the recently fired Lion’s General Manager left the team in a state of panic and turmoil. “No one knows what is going on. It’s like the Titanic is sinking, but it’s also on fire at the same time,” said Lions owner William Clay Ford, Jr. So it is safe to say that the team is undergoing a rebuilding year. “More like a rebuilding decade,” an irate Ford Jr. said. The only thing that will save this team is a miracle, and the Lions have tried to find one. Before the game against the Bears the team went to a local Catholic church and washed their pads in the holy water. They lost that game by 27. Now they believe that a miracle will come in the form of a former player.

“We need Barry back,” Quarterback John Kitna said, referring to former Lion’s great and NFL Hall of Famer, Barry Sanders. “It’s the only way for us to stop sucking.” Sanders left the league in 1998 and in the years with him the team made the playoffs four times, but have only gone once since he left. Ford Jr. has extended an offer to Sanders and really hopes he takes the bait. It’s a 2-year, however-much-money-the-Lions-can-find offer.

“We’re willing to take money out of the salaries of our players to give it to him; I’ll even rob my son’s piggy bank and not buy him any presents for Christmas just to have some extra cash for Barry,” says new GM Martin Mayhew. Sanders has yet to respond on the issue, but the Lions are adamant about getting in touch with him.

“I have personally been sitting in a bush outside his house for the last two weeks. Like I said, I’ll do anything to get Barry back. I think my family is wondering where I am, though,” Said Ford Jr. So when this situation is resolved one of two things will happen: Barry will come back, or Ford Jr. will go to prison for stalking and the Lions will keep losing. After hearing that statement Ford Jr. said, "I'll be okay with going to prison as long as we get Barry back."

An Open Letter from a Toddler at a Wedding

Dear Dearly Beloved,

I know that this whole wedding ceremony is supposed to be all quiet and peaceful and what not but I've got something to say. Obviously it's something that is very, very important because I am yelling it on a consistent basis. While I may not be able to string together real letters to form real words, I still have things on my mind and I have decided that there is no time like the present to get them off my chest. I must inform all of you of the new plastic car that I have acquired. I will do this by saying what you can translate into the word car and then toss said car onto the ground a number of times until I get you to look at me and recognize it. I really don't mean to seem like a disturbance to the wedding, it's just that I think you'll probably be thoroughly entertained by what I have to offer. Yeah I'm just a toddler but I think that my comedic act will really make you laugh. So while you're all wrapped up in the joy of this holy matrimony I'll be getting carried back and forth from my chair to the corner of the room so that I'm out of earshot. But trust me, what I have to say about my car is going to make your day and all you have to is stop watching the once in a life time thing that is the wedding and direct your attention to me. Until you do that I'm gonna keep talking, so buckle up, it's gonna be a wedding full of my thoughts.

Yours Truly,

The toddler in the 3rd row about to toss the car at the altar.

Bro Clothing Test

Bros could care less about what they look or smell like when they’re chilling with their bros. however, if someone with two X chromosomes enters the mix, bros act like they getting ready to walk the red carpet at the Oscars. Most will rush to their rooms and perform the bro clothing test on the clothing. This test has been used by most bros throughout history and while it isn’t scientifically proven to work bros don’t care, because science is totally boring. Here are the 6 steps that must be taken to perform the bro clothing test:

1. Pick up shirt and pants of off floor.
2. Toss clothes on nearest item of furniture.
3. Find clean boxers and 2 socks that match (If possible)
4. Pick up shirt and scan for stains then sniff various sections to search for fowl odors.

a. If shirt has foul odor but is a shirt that you’ve worn before that a chick has complimented and you need to wear it to boost your confidence around them, spray them with axe to freshen them up.

5. Grab pants, search for holes and stains. Crumple into ball and sniff.

b. If pants have holes in them either get your mom to sew them or just throw them away because a bro only wears pants that are complete. Holes are for arrogant dudes.

6. If all is well, proceed to put clothes on.

Some say that clothes make the man, but the man could be wearing a brand new Armani suit just flown in from Italy and if he doesn’t know how to form a sentence around a girl he’s got about the same chances as the homeless bum he passed on his way to the club. If you’re a true bro you just make sure that your clothes are fresh and clean and then you proceed to spit game at the ladies that cross your path. Sure, they may not compliment your clothes but if you can hold a conversation with them you’ve dressed for success. Trust me, the test works.

Something That Bugs Me (That's Really Not That Serious)

Most of the T.V. Shows I enjoy are funny, light-hearted comedies with a very dry type of humor. There is one show though that I enjoy more than most comedies though and that is Intervention. If you haven’t seen it, you should. Back in the early days of the show it would always open up with a what’s-gonna-happen-in-this-episode-segment and then it would show the show title followed by the name of the person who the episode is about. While the name is on the screen the voice of the addict would come on behind and you would here he/she spell their name. I loved that part. But now that part is no more and I have no idea why it has been taken off. It really bugs me. I mean, I’m not sure what it was about someone named John saying, “My name is John, J-O-H-N,” that got me all giddy like a school girl, but it did. I like seeing if the addict can actually spell their name while they’re all hopped up on their drug of choice. Sadly, now that never happens anymore. I yearn for the days of the name spelling, the days where you got to see if the high school drop out who lives in his car could remember what he learned in hooked on phonics in first grade. They need to bring it back because I know that I’m not the only one who misses it. I may be the only one that is truly bothered by the fact that it’s gone but I’m sure that others enjoyed the 2 second spelling lesson they got every time the show opened up. I’m not saying that I won’t watch Intervention if it’s not added to the opening again, but I’m just not going to be as focused on the beginning as I used to be. And that is what bugs me.

Why I Hate Mother Nature

Living in Michigan has caused me to do certain things that I wouldn't do otherwise; Pretend that I'm kind of gangster because I'm from the Metro-Detroit Area (even though I live in one of the nicer areas in the State). Root for a team that, no matter how low my expectations for them are, finds a way to disappoint me year after year, (0-16). And finally it has caused me to despise my mother. My Mother Nature. Why does a state that already suffers from a bad football team, a rough economy and only being the home to a few really famous people also have to be cursed with the worst climate of all time? Michigan is the only state where Christmas in July seems all too possible. We shouldn't have to deal with having to decide whether or not they need to put on a winter jacket in May. We shouldn't have to deal with wondering if our Fourth of July picnic will be so cold that people have to gather around the fireworks for warmth. We also shouldn't have to wonder if the April showers that bring May flowers are going to end up being an ice storm that kills every plant in its path. But, we live in Michigan so this is something that, while it may seem too implausible to happen, is still possible. Because of living in the Mitten State I begin to not believe in global warming. I mean how could the globe be getting freakishly hotter if the 5-day forecast of a hot Michigan week has only one day that has a high around 80? I just don't see how it's possible. If Mother Nature were my real mother, I would have already fought for my emancipation.

Buffalo Wild Wings

What Mecca is to the Islamic faith, Buffalo Wild Wings is to bros. Its enticing sauces offer flavors that every bro can agree on; they also are ways to tell which bro is the toughest. They provide for a competitive eating atmosphere. The competitions usually arise over the amount of wings that one bro can eat, and also who can eat the hottest wings.

Every group will likely be compiled of average eaters, but all groups have one man who is the token fat guy. The token fat guy can out eat any of the bros at any dining establishment, with no problem. At least he thinks he can, but there is one that he wasn’t expecting to have to out eat. This is the bro I like to call the Quiet Storm Bro.

This guy lies low for the entire meal, but when casual dining turns freakishly competitive, he proves to be a big eater. He’s been sitting at the end of the table the whole meal, just making informal conversation and a joke here and there. All the while he’s been going Kobayashi on the wings. No one can tell how many pieces of chicken have fallen to this punisher of the poultry, but that’s because no one has really been paying attention to him.

The big guy never thought that he would be out eaten by his skinny little bro, but after taking a glance down the table and seeing the graveyard that QS bro has created, he panics. A cold sweat overtakes his large, large body and he starts to eat at a rapid pace just to catch up to his smaller bro. Sadly, while he is sitting there, confident that he’d eat the most wings, his crown of biggest eater will be taken by a bro he outweighs by close to 100 pounds.

Crushed, he leaves the restaurant in a huff. However, he is still glad that he ate such a delicious meal. Because no one leaves B Dubs on an empty stomach, and everyone knows that when a bro is full, he’s happy.

Get Rich and Famous in 9 Months

In a world where the economy is struggling, people are asking for advice on how to make money. I mean they're not asking me personally because I have enough trouble with managing my own money so I'm not in a place to tell people what to do with their own cash. However, I do have a scheme to get rich and famous in about 9 months. There is a new trend in Hollywood going on that has to do with abnormal amounts of children. So that's all you have to do, have an obscene amount of children and exploit them on a T.V. show. Many people have done it and it works. John and Kate Plus 8, Octo-mom and stage-moms all over the world are all success stories, kind of. You're probably wondering, is it really as simple as that? And the answer is yes. All you have to do is find someone willing to have that many kids with you, marry them, go through the nine month process of childbirth, take care of the infants, change a boatload of diapers, feed them, keep them from crying all the time, sleep maybe 2 hours a night, pay for all their medical bills, put a roof over their heads, drive them around, oh and then exploit on a T.V. show for millions of dollars. So if you wanna do all that, be my guest. I'll just sit back and enjoy the show when it comes to TLC.

A PSA for Leg Hair Care

Today I was riding shotgun in my papa bear's car on the way home from my little brother's swim meet and I was deeply staring at my leg for some reason when I noticed that my little leg hairs have split ends. This disturbed me for two reasons, A.) I thought that only chicks got split ends and B.) After realizing that not only chicks get them i figured that I'm not doing a very good job of properly shampooing and conditioning my legs. I never thought about it before but maybe you shouldn't just use hair products on your noggin, leg hairs need love too. That is all for now.

My First Brotivity - Bro, Smell This!

The world is full of a cornucopia of scents, some are unusual and gross while others are delicious like a muffin. Since the beginning of time bros have been interested in smells, once something hits their nostrils they track it like a bloodhound looking for an escaped convict.

The rules of smells are simple; if you smell something gross you may ask your bro to smell it too. If he agrees then he must take a deep whiff and really soak up all of the flavors that the smell has to offer. Enjoying them like a fancy five course meal. Now that he has smelled what you asked him to smell you are in debt to him. You don’t owe him money or a dinner at a fine bro-worthy restaurant, but next time he smells something vile and asks you to share the scent with him, you can’t say no. You have no choice but to return the favor and explore this new scent with him because he did the same thing for you.

If he wants you to smell his foot after he’s worn the same socks all week, you smell his foot. If he just found a bag of something that has changed color from being in the back of his fridge for so long, and he wants you to see what it smells like, you see what it smells like. If a small animal has crawled into his trashcan and died and he wants you to take a whiff, you take a whiff. No questions asked. So don’t make someone smell something if you aren’t prepared to smell something of theirs.

Basketball Camp

Yesterday brought about the end of my weeks of coaching basketball camp and it also showed me something that I already knew, except it made it a bit more obvious. I'm awful at basketball. I'm only really good at one sport, ultimate frisbee, and I'm okay at a lot of other ones, but when it comes to basketball it's pretty clear that I need to keep my day job. If I were to try out for a middle school team I would only make it because I'm much taller than the average middle school, pre-pubescent boy. But if I were to try out for the high school team I would get laughed at. And not just laughed at like you laugh at a good knock-knock joke, it's more like how you laugh at someone who was trying to make a witty comeback against something you said when you guys were walking down the street and then he just bashes his head on a sign that he never saw coming because he was so busy with his comeback. At the same time this is going on they'd also be looking for Ashton Kutcher to pop out and inform them that he totally got them. My chances of making a basketball team are similar to the chances that Elvis is still alive. Yet somehow I'm equipped enough with basketball knowledge that I can coach small children in the basics of the sport. I'm more of a glorified baby-sitter than a basketball coach. But at least I'm better than the average 3rd graders.

That and that alone is what boosts my self esteem on the basketball court.

First Blog

Well I have just stepped into the world of blogging, this should be fun. Through this blog I will share stories that I have written called brotivities, activities you do with your bros. I will also share stuff from what happened to me during the day, such as stories from basketball camp, the time I saw someone riding shotgun in a car and playing a violin or just what I happen to be thinking of at the moment. This should be fun.