Backing Your Bros

A great man once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Another great man, myself, has twisted that statement, “Ask not what your bros can do for you, ask what you can do for your bros.” Not only is being a bro a good time, it is also a responsibility and duty to defend the backs of your fellow bros. Shakespeare once said, “Bro, thou shall hast mine back and I shalt hast the back of thou. The back shalt be what is had and the hading shalt be done by a bro.” Such wisdom and power were never uttered as gloriously as that.

You may be asking yourself, ‘Do I always have to have my bro’s back?’ The answer is yes and it’s silly that after the reading first paragraph of this writing, you would be compelled to ask such a ridiculous question. If you really just asked that please discontinue reading this and go back to your younger years of schooling and practice some reading comprehension. Unless of course you decided to skip the first paragraph entirely, which makes no sense, but I ask you to revert your eyes to the top of the page and read thoroughly before proceeding.

As was stated earlier, a bro always has his bro’s back, no matter what. If your bro is being attacked by a bear, you rush to his aid and fend off the tyrannical beast. Or at least give a hardy effort to do so. If he is trying to befriend an attractive female you help him by talking about how cool he is, but don’t over do it because it could start sounding a bit gay. In the case that your bro is dating a girl who has now become quite obnoxious about two months into their courtship you must help him out of there when you realize that she’s totally cuckoo and your bro is in danger.

You must always have your bro’s back because no matter how independent and tough they may seem, a bro can always use a helping hand from his fellow man.

The only exception to this commandment is if the bro has gotten himself into a situation that is seen as humorous to his friends. In such an instance a bro may point and laugh for a given amount of time before rushing to the aid of his bro. The amount of time that a bro is allowed to laugh is based on the severity of the occurrence;

Issue	Time Allotted for Laughter
Animal Attack	3 seconds
Dangling from Something High Up	5 – 7 seconds (depending on height)
Obviously Broken Limb	10 seconds before calling someone
Falling into Something Dirty (like mud)	1 minute (at least)
Smacking His Head on Something	5 minutes*
Embarrassing Act in Public Area	A few days
Awkward Relationship	2-3 weeks

* - You may also remind your bro of the time that he smacked his head on a certain object each time you pass said object.