Bro Clothing Test

Bros could care less about what they look or smell like when they’re chilling with their bros. however, if someone with two X chromosomes enters the mix, bros act like they getting ready to walk the red carpet at the Oscars. Most will rush to their rooms and perform the bro clothing test on the clothing. This test has been used by most bros throughout history and while it isn’t scientifically proven to work bros don’t care, because science is totally boring. Here are the 6 steps that must be taken to perform the bro clothing test:

1. Pick up shirt and pants of off floor.
2. Toss clothes on nearest item of furniture.
3. Find clean boxers and 2 socks that match (If possible)
4. Pick up shirt and scan for stains then sniff various sections to search for fowl odors.

a. If shirt has foul odor but is a shirt that you’ve worn before that a chick has complimented and you need to wear it to boost your confidence around them, spray them with axe to freshen them up.

5. Grab pants, search for holes and stains. Crumple into ball and sniff.

b. If pants have holes in them either get your mom to sew them or just throw them away because a bro only wears pants that are complete. Holes are for arrogant dudes.

6. If all is well, proceed to put clothes on.

Some say that clothes make the man, but the man could be wearing a brand new Armani suit just flown in from Italy and if he doesn’t know how to form a sentence around a girl he’s got about the same chances as the homeless bum he passed on his way to the club. If you’re a true bro you just make sure that your clothes are fresh and clean and then you proceed to spit game at the ladies that cross your path. Sure, they may not compliment your clothes but if you can hold a conversation with them you’ve dressed for success. Trust me, the test works.

Something That Bugs Me (That's Really Not That Serious)

Most of the T.V. Shows I enjoy are funny, light-hearted comedies with a very dry type of humor. There is one show though that I enjoy more than most comedies though and that is Intervention. If you haven’t seen it, you should. Back in the early days of the show it would always open up with a what’s-gonna-happen-in-this-episode-segment and then it would show the show title followed by the name of the person who the episode is about. While the name is on the screen the voice of the addict would come on behind and you would here he/she spell their name. I loved that part. But now that part is no more and I have no idea why it has been taken off. It really bugs me. I mean, I’m not sure what it was about someone named John saying, “My name is John, J-O-H-N,” that got me all giddy like a school girl, but it did. I like seeing if the addict can actually spell their name while they’re all hopped up on their drug of choice. Sadly, now that never happens anymore. I yearn for the days of the name spelling, the days where you got to see if the high school drop out who lives in his car could remember what he learned in hooked on phonics in first grade. They need to bring it back because I know that I’m not the only one who misses it. I may be the only one that is truly bothered by the fact that it’s gone but I’m sure that others enjoyed the 2 second spelling lesson they got every time the show opened up. I’m not saying that I won’t watch Intervention if it’s not added to the opening again, but I’m just not going to be as focused on the beginning as I used to be. And that is what bugs me.

Why I Hate Mother Nature

Living in Michigan has caused me to do certain things that I wouldn't do otherwise; Pretend that I'm kind of gangster because I'm from the Metro-Detroit Area (even though I live in one of the nicer areas in the State). Root for a team that, no matter how low my expectations for them are, finds a way to disappoint me year after year, (0-16). And finally it has caused me to despise my mother. My Mother Nature. Why does a state that already suffers from a bad football team, a rough economy and only being the home to a few really famous people also have to be cursed with the worst climate of all time? Michigan is the only state where Christmas in July seems all too possible. We shouldn't have to deal with having to decide whether or not they need to put on a winter jacket in May. We shouldn't have to deal with wondering if our Fourth of July picnic will be so cold that people have to gather around the fireworks for warmth. We also shouldn't have to wonder if the April showers that bring May flowers are going to end up being an ice storm that kills every plant in its path. But, we live in Michigan so this is something that, while it may seem too implausible to happen, is still possible. Because of living in the Mitten State I begin to not believe in global warming. I mean how could the globe be getting freakishly hotter if the 5-day forecast of a hot Michigan week has only one day that has a high around 80? I just don't see how it's possible. If Mother Nature were my real mother, I would have already fought for my emancipation.

Buffalo Wild Wings

What Mecca is to the Islamic faith, Buffalo Wild Wings is to bros. Its enticing sauces offer flavors that every bro can agree on; they also are ways to tell which bro is the toughest. They provide for a competitive eating atmosphere. The competitions usually arise over the amount of wings that one bro can eat, and also who can eat the hottest wings.

Every group will likely be compiled of average eaters, but all groups have one man who is the token fat guy. The token fat guy can out eat any of the bros at any dining establishment, with no problem. At least he thinks he can, but there is one that he wasn’t expecting to have to out eat. This is the bro I like to call the Quiet Storm Bro.

This guy lies low for the entire meal, but when casual dining turns freakishly competitive, he proves to be a big eater. He’s been sitting at the end of the table the whole meal, just making informal conversation and a joke here and there. All the while he’s been going Kobayashi on the wings. No one can tell how many pieces of chicken have fallen to this punisher of the poultry, but that’s because no one has really been paying attention to him.

The big guy never thought that he would be out eaten by his skinny little bro, but after taking a glance down the table and seeing the graveyard that QS bro has created, he panics. A cold sweat overtakes his large, large body and he starts to eat at a rapid pace just to catch up to his smaller bro. Sadly, while he is sitting there, confident that he’d eat the most wings, his crown of biggest eater will be taken by a bro he outweighs by close to 100 pounds.

Crushed, he leaves the restaurant in a huff. However, he is still glad that he ate such a delicious meal. Because no one leaves B Dubs on an empty stomach, and everyone knows that when a bro is full, he’s happy.

Get Rich and Famous in 9 Months

In a world where the economy is struggling, people are asking for advice on how to make money. I mean they're not asking me personally because I have enough trouble with managing my own money so I'm not in a place to tell people what to do with their own cash. However, I do have a scheme to get rich and famous in about 9 months. There is a new trend in Hollywood going on that has to do with abnormal amounts of children. So that's all you have to do, have an obscene amount of children and exploit them on a T.V. show. Many people have done it and it works. John and Kate Plus 8, Octo-mom and stage-moms all over the world are all success stories, kind of. You're probably wondering, is it really as simple as that? And the answer is yes. All you have to do is find someone willing to have that many kids with you, marry them, go through the nine month process of childbirth, take care of the infants, change a boatload of diapers, feed them, keep them from crying all the time, sleep maybe 2 hours a night, pay for all their medical bills, put a roof over their heads, drive them around, oh and then exploit on a T.V. show for millions of dollars. So if you wanna do all that, be my guest. I'll just sit back and enjoy the show when it comes to TLC.

A PSA for Leg Hair Care

Today I was riding shotgun in my papa bear's car on the way home from my little brother's swim meet and I was deeply staring at my leg for some reason when I noticed that my little leg hairs have split ends. This disturbed me for two reasons, A.) I thought that only chicks got split ends and B.) After realizing that not only chicks get them i figured that I'm not doing a very good job of properly shampooing and conditioning my legs. I never thought about it before but maybe you shouldn't just use hair products on your noggin, leg hairs need love too. That is all for now.

My First Brotivity - Bro, Smell This!

The world is full of a cornucopia of scents, some are unusual and gross while others are delicious like a muffin. Since the beginning of time bros have been interested in smells, once something hits their nostrils they track it like a bloodhound looking for an escaped convict.

The rules of smells are simple; if you smell something gross you may ask your bro to smell it too. If he agrees then he must take a deep whiff and really soak up all of the flavors that the smell has to offer. Enjoying them like a fancy five course meal. Now that he has smelled what you asked him to smell you are in debt to him. You don’t owe him money or a dinner at a fine bro-worthy restaurant, but next time he smells something vile and asks you to share the scent with him, you can’t say no. You have no choice but to return the favor and explore this new scent with him because he did the same thing for you.

If he wants you to smell his foot after he’s worn the same socks all week, you smell his foot. If he just found a bag of something that has changed color from being in the back of his fridge for so long, and he wants you to see what it smells like, you see what it smells like. If a small animal has crawled into his trashcan and died and he wants you to take a whiff, you take a whiff. No questions asked. So don’t make someone smell something if you aren’t prepared to smell something of theirs.

Basketball Camp

Yesterday brought about the end of my weeks of coaching basketball camp and it also showed me something that I already knew, except it made it a bit more obvious. I'm awful at basketball. I'm only really good at one sport, ultimate frisbee, and I'm okay at a lot of other ones, but when it comes to basketball it's pretty clear that I need to keep my day job. If I were to try out for a middle school team I would only make it because I'm much taller than the average middle school, pre-pubescent boy. But if I were to try out for the high school team I would get laughed at. And not just laughed at like you laugh at a good knock-knock joke, it's more like how you laugh at someone who was trying to make a witty comeback against something you said when you guys were walking down the street and then he just bashes his head on a sign that he never saw coming because he was so busy with his comeback. At the same time this is going on they'd also be looking for Ashton Kutcher to pop out and inform them that he totally got them. My chances of making a basketball team are similar to the chances that Elvis is still alive. Yet somehow I'm equipped enough with basketball knowledge that I can coach small children in the basics of the sport. I'm more of a glorified baby-sitter than a basketball coach. But at least I'm better than the average 3rd graders.

That and that alone is what boosts my self esteem on the basketball court.

First Blog

Well I have just stepped into the world of blogging, this should be fun. Through this blog I will share stories that I have written called brotivities, activities you do with your bros. I will also share stuff from what happened to me during the day, such as stories from basketball camp, the time I saw someone riding shotgun in a car and playing a violin or just what I happen to be thinking of at the moment. This should be fun.