Being Bored

You may be asking; How is it possible for a brotivity to come about when you’re not doing anything? Well, bros are very good at doing nothing, and it’s something they often enjoy to do. Sitting around, having nothing constructive to do is one of a bros’ favorite things in the world. Honestly, what could possibly be less stressful then being bored? You have no responsibilities or things to do (well, you may, but you’re ignoring it and choosing to just say that you’re bored instead.)

Sure there are plenty of things you probably could, or should, be doing. You could mow the lawn, walk the dog, even show your buddies who is boss when it comes to video games, but instead you just do nothing. You sit and stare and complain that you have nothing to do. However, even amidst your childish complaining, you are completely content, you are as carefree as a goldfish in a bowl, you live for the days where you can just sit and talk about how you wish there was something to do; even though you don’t.

Backing Your Bros

A great man once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Another great man, myself, has twisted that statement, “Ask not what your bros can do for you, ask what you can do for your bros.” Not only is being a bro a good time, it is also a responsibility and duty to defend the backs of your fellow bros. Shakespeare once said, “Bro, thou shall hast mine back and I shalt hast the back of thou. The back shalt be what is had and the hading shalt be done by a bro.” Such wisdom and power were never uttered as gloriously as that.

You may be asking yourself, ‘Do I always have to have my bro’s back?’ The answer is yes and it’s silly that after the reading first paragraph of this writing, you would be compelled to ask such a ridiculous question. If you really just asked that please discontinue reading this and go back to your younger years of schooling and practice some reading comprehension. Unless of course you decided to skip the first paragraph entirely, which makes no sense, but I ask you to revert your eyes to the top of the page and read thoroughly before proceeding.

As was stated earlier, a bro always has his bro’s back, no matter what. If your bro is being attacked by a bear, you rush to his aid and fend off the tyrannical beast. Or at least give a hardy effort to do so. If he is trying to befriend an attractive female you help him by talking about how cool he is, but don’t over do it because it could start sounding a bit gay. In the case that your bro is dating a girl who has now become quite obnoxious about two months into their courtship you must help him out of there when you realize that she’s totally cuckoo and your bro is in danger.

You must always have your bro’s back because no matter how independent and tough they may seem, a bro can always use a helping hand from his fellow man.

The only exception to this commandment is if the bro has gotten himself into a situation that is seen as humorous to his friends. In such an instance a bro may point and laugh for a given amount of time before rushing to the aid of his bro. The amount of time that a bro is allowed to laugh is based on the severity of the occurrence;

Issue	Time Allotted for Laughter
Animal Attack	3 seconds
Dangling from Something High Up	5 – 7 seconds (depending on height)
Obviously Broken Limb	10 seconds before calling someone
Falling into Something Dirty (like mud)	1 minute (at least)
Smacking His Head on Something	5 minutes*
Embarrassing Act in Public Area	A few days
Awkward Relationship	2-3 weeks

* - You may also remind your bro of the time that he smacked his head on a certain object each time you pass said object.

Real News That I Made Up

This is from a project that I did when I was in an independent writing class in school. It's a satyrical news thing of sorts. Kind of like The Onion if you've heard of that.

Lions Attempt to Resign Barry Sanders

Detroit, MI - It would seem that the recently fired Lion’s General Manager left the team in a state of panic and turmoil. “No one knows what is going on. It’s like the Titanic is sinking, but it’s also on fire at the same time,” said Lions owner William Clay Ford, Jr. So it is safe to say that the team is undergoing a rebuilding year. “More like a rebuilding decade,” an irate Ford Jr. said. The only thing that will save this team is a miracle, and the Lions have tried to find one. Before the game against the Bears the team went to a local Catholic church and washed their pads in the holy water. They lost that game by 27. Now they believe that a miracle will come in the form of a former player.

“We need Barry back,” Quarterback John Kitna said, referring to former Lion’s great and NFL Hall of Famer, Barry Sanders. “It’s the only way for us to stop sucking.” Sanders left the league in 1998 and in the years with him the team made the playoffs four times, but have only gone once since he left. Ford Jr. has extended an offer to Sanders and really hopes he takes the bait. It’s a 2-year, however-much-money-the-Lions-can-find offer.

“We’re willing to take money out of the salaries of our players to give it to him; I’ll even rob my son’s piggy bank and not buy him any presents for Christmas just to have some extra cash for Barry,” says new GM Martin Mayhew. Sanders has yet to respond on the issue, but the Lions are adamant about getting in touch with him.

“I have personally been sitting in a bush outside his house for the last two weeks. Like I said, I’ll do anything to get Barry back. I think my family is wondering where I am, though,” Said Ford Jr. So when this situation is resolved one of two things will happen: Barry will come back, or Ford Jr. will go to prison for stalking and the Lions will keep losing. After hearing that statement Ford Jr. said, "I'll be okay with going to prison as long as we get Barry back."

An Open Letter from a Toddler at a Wedding

Dear Dearly Beloved,

I know that this whole wedding ceremony is supposed to be all quiet and peaceful and what not but I've got something to say. Obviously it's something that is very, very important because I am yelling it on a consistent basis. While I may not be able to string together real letters to form real words, I still have things on my mind and I have decided that there is no time like the present to get them off my chest. I must inform all of you of the new plastic car that I have acquired. I will do this by saying what you can translate into the word car and then toss said car onto the ground a number of times until I get you to look at me and recognize it. I really don't mean to seem like a disturbance to the wedding, it's just that I think you'll probably be thoroughly entertained by what I have to offer. Yeah I'm just a toddler but I think that my comedic act will really make you laugh. So while you're all wrapped up in the joy of this holy matrimony I'll be getting carried back and forth from my chair to the corner of the room so that I'm out of earshot. But trust me, what I have to say about my car is going to make your day and all you have to is stop watching the once in a life time thing that is the wedding and direct your attention to me. Until you do that I'm gonna keep talking, so buckle up, it's gonna be a wedding full of my thoughts.

Yours Truly,

The toddler in the 3rd row about to toss the car at the altar.